"We repeat what we do not repair."
Christine Langley-Obaugh
Christine Langley-Obaugh
Donna Lochner NCC, LMHC Counseling and Psychotherapy |
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Do others ever tell you that you're "too controlling"? Are there times you wonder about that as well? It's normal
and healthy to want to feel a sense of control of ourselves and our environment. The tricky part is the level of intensity with which we need control, attempts to control others, and trying to change the things not in our bailiwick. You've probably heard the "Serenity Prayer": 'God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.' Let's think about that. Many of us think we have control over much more than we actually do, especially getting other people to act or think or feel or perceive things differently. We try and try and strain our brains to come up with a plan to get 'them' or 'that' to change. If my boss was____________, I'd be much happier. If my teenager refrained from doing things that spark my anxiety, everything would be fine. If my spouse/partner would just____________I'd feel much better about myself. I can't be happy unless_____________. Those beliefs cause us great suffering. People don't change unless either they want to or can't. An example of can't might be: you're an extrovert and like a lot of social contact and activity. You get recharged by being social. Your partner, however, leans more toward being introverted. Partner gets recharged by being alone, having solace, and space to just be without external stimulation. We can't will ourselves to change the process with which we get recharged, re-energized, and to decompress. Yet, when we think, 'how on earth could the other (partner, sibling, friend, parent, etc ) possibly think/feel/process like that?!', we get impatient, frustrated, angry, and downright ornery. When we want a Labrador, yet a poodle shows up, sometimes we try to get the damn poodle to be a Labrador!! I'm sure you can imagine how impossibly frustrating that is. The word we often dread is acceptance. Can I shift my expectations? Can I examine whether I can tolerate (or not) a situation? Can I shift my focus to what I can change (my attitudes, my responses, my perceptions, my choices): ME ? What things can I accept and which are simply unacceptable? What's a dealbreaker for me? WHY DO I HAVE TO CHANGE?!! Acceptance doesn't mean you put up with bad or disrespectful treatment. It doesn't mean you don't stand up for yourself. It doesn't even mean you can't ask the other to do something differently. Unfortunately, though we can't make someone change or control how circumstances turn out. That's the 'bad' news. The good news is that we have the power to shift a lot of our own stuff. Happy exploring self!! |
Donna Lochner
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