Just tip your toe into the waters of acceptance~
-from a discussion with a wise friend
-from a discussion with a wise friend
Donna Lochner NCC, LMHC Counseling and Psychotherapy |
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Just tip your toe into the waters of acceptance~
-from a discussion with a wise friend Build a bridge as you're crossing it~
-from a wise friend discussing living a moment at a time What Else Can Be True?
Many times we come to conclusions about other people's behavior, interpreting it in the worst possible way. An aggressive driver is tailgating. We think he believes he can 'treat us like that'. Or that he's a jerk or loser. When we ask, 'what else could be true?' it's possible there are a variety of possibilities. Maybe someone died and he's rushing to get to the funeral. Perhaps daycare is closing and he's on a deadline to pick up his child. Or he could be sleep deprived and not able to properly judge distance. This isn't to say that his driving is acceptable. There's no way to know for certain what his intention was. Notice the impact that your interpretation has on you. Does it effect your levels of anger, frustration, or rage? Another scenario is this. Your partner comes home and looks past you without speaking. You might think, 'who does he think he is, walking past me as if I'm invisible ?' . What else could be true? Perhaps he's lost in thought. Maybe he is dazed having witnessed a disturbing car accident. He could be trying to remember a website broadcast from his car radio. A worst case scenario attribution rarely goes well. How you interpret an event colors your thoughts, reactions, and behaviors. Your response will almost always be largely determined by your view of the situation. Most often that response will not work in your favor. Negative interpretations can create anxiety, anger, depression, and shame. What else can be true? Neuroscience is upon us. We are learning many things about how our brains work, how to shape them and how to build new nerve pathways. Not so long ago, we believed that the brain was a static and unchanging organ, that at birth we had all the brain cells we would ever have and things were downhill from there. Neuroplasiticity is the new term for our understanding that the brain is far more malleable, changeable, and capable of creating newer pathways than we’d dreamed.
Our brains are hard wired to seek out the negative. Thousands of years ago, on earth there were predators and prey. Dog eat dog. Eat or be eaten. It was adaptable to be continuously scanning the environment for danger so that we could keep ourselves alive and safe! It was a survival technique that we dearly needed. Fast forward to now-we don’t have the kinds of threats on a daily basis to life and limb. We have numerous ways to protect and care for ourselves and families. We don’t need to be constantly looking over our shoulders, sizing people up for our very survival. So, you might wonder, what does this have to do with me? Good question! If like many others, you often find yourself looking at things through a dark lens, primarily feeling pessimistic, and seeing the glass as half empty it may be your ancient brain functioning being kicked up. We now know from research that certain things positively impact the brain and how it perceives things. One example is keeping a gratitude list. Ideally you would write down (the writing part is very important) any or everything you noticed that day that was even the smallest bit positive. So rather than noting to yourself that you got stopped at 2 (God forbid!) traffic lights on the way to work, you would note that you made it through 5 of them. The Items on your list are not intended to be profound and magical. Some may be, and certainly you can acknowledge them, but primarily we’re looking for every day events. I am grateful that my blue shirt was clean and ironed when I looked for something to wear…I am grateful that my despised coworker called out today….I am grateful that my friend was available to talk when I needed support and new ideas. This is a way to begin to shift what you notice and pay attention to AND to “restart your scanner” so that you are beginning to scan for the positive. This is not about denying the unpleasant things in life. Those cannot be avoided entirely but they can be coped with. You would still be aware of the negative or unpleasant events, but you would not be focused on them (read think and think and think about them, wallow endlessly, etc. You would become more and more aware of the upside of events in your life. Before you toss aside the idea, try it, for 3 or 4 weeks on a daily basis and see for yourself if and how well it can work to begin turning around entrenched negative thinking (which is a key part of depression and anxiety). Meditation, by some, may appear to be difficult, complicated, and new age-ish. Truth be told, the premise is very simple. It's about paying attention (often to your breath) and when thoughts are cascading in your mind, to simply and gently return to paying attention to your breath. Returning attention is done over and over again. That's the nugget of meditation-bringing attention back to breath (or other focal point).
Often people make one of two mistakes. First, they believe that the goal is to feel peaceful and blissful. You may experience a sense of bliss but the goal is focusing (paying attention) and when your mind wanders, to gently bring it back without judgment. It's not true that you've "not done it right" when your mind is very chatty or busy. Secondly, it's been thought that meditation, due to its reputation as a stress management tool, is only necessary when you're experiencing stress. If you relegate meditation to stressful situations only, it won't work as fully as its able. It's recommended to be practiced regularly to begin training the mind to slow down, calm itself, and create more space. While 20-30 minutes is thought to be ideal, you can start with 5 minutes three or four times a week. Are you willing to experiment with meditation and see for yourself what its like? Don't expect to notice changes right off; like anything it takes some practice. Do you often feel drawn to helping people? Does it give you satisfaction to please others?
Do you help even when it's at the expense of yourself or deprives you of sleep, energy, or self care? Where do you find yourself on your own list of priorities? You may have difficulty figuring out when helping or pleasing people is not in your best interest. Here are some ways to help you decide~ You can tell if your helping or people pleasing is not healthy by answering the following questions: -Are you doing things for another that they should be doing for themselves? (i.e. doing homework for your child, or calling in sick for your son who spent the night partying and is sleeping if off) -Does helping make you feel resentful, drained, or cranky? -Do you automatically say yes to requests before taking a moment to think them through? -Does "helping" regularly create barriers related to what you want/need? -Do you help or please others out of a need for approval, being liked, or gaining attention? -Are you a chameleon-changing your behavior, thoughts and statements to be in sync with the other? -Do you frequently put your own needs aside to please another? -Do you often do things that make you uncomfortable because you don't want to upset the other or make them not like you? You can probably see where this is going! Remember~ helping is doing what's helpful for the other person, not what you think is helpful. Lastly, if you happen across a help-rejecting complainer, RUN. These are folks who complain incessantly but will do nothing to change their situation. They aren't interested in feedback or suggestions. Let them be. I should be more patient. I should always do my best at anything I spend time on. My partner should listen to me. The kids should do their chores without complaining.
Maybe you've heard yourself say something similar. "Should" has a tightness to it- a rigidity. Notice how your body responds to a should. Close your eyes and tune into your body when you use the word. Holding ourselves and others to absolute standards, all the time, without any flexibility can be draining. What would happen if you upgraded your shoulds to preferences? I'd prefer my partner listen to me. I'd like to be more patient. I aspire to do my best in all that I take on. Do you notice a shift? A loosening? Rather than demanding that you or others behave in prescribed ways, preferring can actually create more space to allow that which you'd like to happen to show up. Allowing can be far more powerful and less energy intensive than forcing. |
Donna Lochner
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